“We’ll Just Adopt”: How We Chose Foster Care Adoption (and What We Didn’t Know Yet)

At some point in our journey, we found ourselves saying:

“We’ll just adopt.”

Looking back, I can hear how simple that sounded.

At the time, it felt like a plan. A solution. A next step.

But the truth is—we had no idea how much we still didn’t know.

Who Was Driving the Process

I say “we,” but if I’m being honest…

I was the one diving in first.

I’m analytical by nature. I research everything. I ask questions, join groups, attend info sessions. I want to understand things from every angle before making a decision.

My husband? Not wired that way.

He had conversations with people he trusted—but they stayed more surface-level.

Meanwhile, I was all in.

Realizing I Didn’t Even Understand Adoption

One of the best things I did early on was meet with a friend of a friend who had gone through private adoption.

If you’re in this phase—do this.

Reach out to people. Even if they’re not in your inner circle.

That one conversation changed everything.

Because I quickly realized something I wasn’t expecting:

I didn’t even understand the different types of adoption.

At that point, I thought there was just…adoption.

The Three Main Types of Adoption

As I started researching, I learned there are generally three paths families consider:

Foster care adoption
Private domestic adoption
International adoption

(Some people group private and international together, but they felt very different to me as I was learning.)

Why We Chose Foster Care Adoption

It didn’t take long for foster care adoption to feel like the direction we were heading.

Not because it was easy—but because it felt like the most realistic fit for our situation at the time.

Here’s what influenced our decision:

Cost
Private and international adoption can involve significant expenses. We quickly realized those paths weren’t financially realistic for us.

Uncertainty
In private adoption, there’s the possibility of bonding with a child—and then having the adoption not move forward. That emotional risk felt overwhelming to me at the time.

The Selection Process
The idea of creating a family profile and waiting to be chosen by an expectant mother felt…vulnerable in a way I wasn’t prepared for.

International Travel
International adoption often involves travel, extended stays, and additional costs that didn’t fit our life at that point.

Foster care adoption felt like the path we could step into.

What We Thought It Would Look Like

After attending an info night at a local church, we felt encouraged.

We met families. Heard real stories. Started picturing what this could look like for us.

At that point, we thought we had a clear plan:

We would adopt a 5- or 6-year-old.
Someone potty trained. Able to communicate. Easier to understand their needs.

Race and gender didn’t matter to us.

We just wanted to become parents.

Looking back…that plan feels very neat and very naive.

What I Didn’t Know Yet

I thought I had done my research.

I thought I understood the process.

I thought choosing the “right path” meant we were prepared.

But there were still so many layers I hadn’t even begun to understand—

Especially when it came to trauma, behavior, and what day-to-day life might actually look like.

(That’s something I share more about in my post on understanding trauma in adoption.)

What I’d Do Differently

If I could go back to this stage, I wouldn’t just research the process.

I would spend more time understanding:

The realities of foster care beyond adoption
The emotional and behavioral needs of children
What support systems we would need in place

Because choosing a path is one thing.

Living it is something entirely different.

If You’re Trying to Decide

If you’re in that early phase—googling, asking questions, trying to figure out what direction makes sense—

You’re not behind.

You’re not doing it wrong.

But I will gently say this:

Don’t rush to a decision just because you want clarity.

Give yourself time to understand what each path really involves.

If you’re exploring adoption, you might also find these helpful:

Have you wrestled with choosing a path to parenthood?

What helped you decide—and what do you wish you had known earlier?

I’d love to hear your experience in the comments.

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