“We’ll Just Adopt”: How I Found My Way to Foster Care Adoption

At some point in our journey, the conversation shifted to:

“We’ll just adopt.”

Looking back, I can hear how simple that sounded.

At the time, though, I meant it.

I had decided adoption was how I wanted to become a mom. Once I make a decision like that, I tend to do what I always do: start researching.

And when I say I researched adoption, I really mean I researched adoption.

My husband was completely part of the decision, but I was the one driving the process. I was joining groups, attending information sessions, talking to people and reading everything I could find.

That’s how I’m wired. I want to understand every option before I choose one.

The funny part is that I started all that research thinking I’d already made the big decision.

We would adopt.

I hadn’t yet realized how many decisions were hiding inside those three words.

Realizing I Didn’t Even Understand Adoption

One of the best things I did early on was meet with a friend of a friend who had gone through private adoption.

I barely knew him, but I wanted to hear from someone who had actually been through it.

That conversation exposed a fairly significant problem with all my research:

I didn’t actually understand adoption.

At that point, I thought there was just…adoption.

Learning About Different Paths to Adoption

As I researched, I started separating adoption into three possible paths for us: private domestic adoption, international adoption and foster care adoption.

And for the first time, I understood that choosing adoption wasn’t really one decision.

I had to figure out which kind of adoption we were actually willing and able to pursue.

Private adoption:
I was intimidated by the expense. I was afraid of becoming emotionally invested and having a potential adoption not move forward. Creating a profile and waiting for an expectant mother to choose us made me feel incredibly vulnerable.

International:
The costs and travel requirements I was finding didn’t feel realistic for our life.

Foster care:
It kept being the option I came back to.

Why Foster Care Kept Pulling Me Back

Cost and logistics were part of the decision, but they weren’t the whole reason I kept coming back to foster care.

There were already so many children who needed homes.

That mattered to me.

The more I learned about foster care, the more I felt like this was a path I could see myself taking. I thought I was starting to understand what we were signing up for.

But looking back, my understanding was incredibly narrow.

There was so much I didn’t know yet about trauma, mental health, learning differences and the kinds of support a child might eventually need.

Knowing more would have prepared me differently.

It would not have changed my decision.

The Plan I Thought I Had

After attending an info night at a local church, we felt encouraged.

We met families. Heard real stories. I started picturing what this could look like for us.

At that point, I thought we had a clear plan:

We would adopt a 5- or 6-year-old. Someone potty trained. Able to communicate. Easier to understand their needs.

Race and gender didn’t matter to us.

We just wanted to become parents.

Looking back…that plan feels very neat and very naive.

That was the plan.

Our daughter would eventually come to us at 18 months old.

So much for the plan.

What All That Research Couldn’t Tell Me

I thought I had done my research.

And in many ways, I had.

I had learned about different types of adoption, talked to people who had been through the process, attended information sessions and researched agencies.

I’d even developed a pretty specific picture of what our adoption might look like.

And almost none of that picture turned out the way I’d imagined.

If I could go back, I would still do all the research. That’s who I am.

But I’d spend even more time talking to people who had actually lived each path. Those conversations taught me things the websites couldn’t.

I’d also tell myself something I probably wouldn’t have liked hearing at the time:

You aren’t going to research your way into knowing exactly what your family will look like.

Choosing foster care was a big decision.

But it was really just the beginning.

If you’re exploring adoption, you might also find these helpful:

If you’re navigating adoption or foster care—or trying to understand some of the things no one can fully prepare you for—you’re welcome to follow along. I share what I learned through our foster-to-adopt journey, including the things I wish I’d understood sooner.

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