Recently, I caught up with a friend who had just welcomed a new baby.
Listening to her talk about life with a newborn fascinated me.
As she talked about the exhaustion and routines of life with a newborn, I found myself fascinated by all the little details.
They were parts of motherhood I had never experienced.
And as we talked, I was reminded of something I don’t always say out loud:
There are parts of early motherhood I never lived through…
but still grieved in quiet ways.
What I Missed
I never felt my baby kick.
I never saw her ultrasound or heard her heartbeat.
I wasn’t there to comfort her in those first fragile months.
And even now, I don’t fully know what her earliest days looked like.
I can only hope—with everything in me—that she was cared for and safe.
The Moments That Catch Me Off Guard
Most of the time, I don’t think about the fact that she’s adopted. I’m just her mom, and she’s my daughter.
But every once in a while, something small reminds me.
Like standing in a toy aisle, trying to remember what she loved at one year old…
and realizing I didn’t know.
Or sitting at the dentist, being asked when she got her first tooth…
and having to say, “I’m not sure.”
Those little moments don’t hurt the way they once might have.
But they do remind me:
Our story is different.
For a long time, I think I thought I was grieving experiences I didn’t get to have.
Pregnancy. Ultrasounds. Newborn days. First milestones.
But as my daughter has gotten older, I’ve realized there’s another piece of it.
There are parts of her story I wasn’t there for.
I don’t know when she got her first tooth.
I don’t know what made her laugh at six months old.
I don’t know exactly what her earliest days looked like.
Those missing pieces don’t make me feel any less like her mom.
But every once in a while, I’m reminded that they exist.
I can love the story we have completely and still sometimes wish I’d gotten to read the first few chapters.
More from This Journey
If this part of the story resonates, you might also connect with:
- Navigating Infertility and Adoption: Our ‘Maybe Baby’ Journey
- “She’s So Lucky to Have You” — Why Adoption Isn’t About Luck
- What I Didn’t Understand About Trauma Before We Adopted
If you’re navigating adoption or foster care—or trying to understand some of the things no one can fully prepare you for—you’re welcome to follow along. I share what I learned through our foster-to-adopt journey, including the things I wish I’d understood sooner.
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