As we moved through the adoption process, people would ask how things were going.
They meant well.
My friends and family knew how badly I wanted to become a mom. They were excited for me. They were curious. And when things weren’t going well, they hurt for me too.
But eventually, the questions became hard.
Why is it taking so long?
I already knew it was taking a long time.
I thought about it constantly.
And on days when I was already feeling defeated, having someone else point out how long it was taking could make everything feel heavier.
There were times when I desperately needed someone to talk to.
And there were other times when talking about it was the last thing I wanted to do.
That was something I hadn’t expected about the adoption process.
Sometimes even the people trying to support me could accidentally remind me of the thing I was trying, just for a little while, not to think about.
When I Became the Friend Going Through Adoption
I didn’t have friends or family nearby who were also trying to adopt through foster care.
I had family members who had fostered, but they lived in another state. In my everyday life—at work, with friends, at get-togethers—I was usually the only person going through this.
And sometimes I felt like it became part of my identity.
I was the one with the heavy update. The one explaining another delay or setback. The one getting the sympathetic head tilt when someone asked how things were going.
Everyone meant well.
But sometimes I didn’t want to be the friend going through adoption.
I just wanted to be a friend.
Sometimes I Should Have Just Gone
Looking back, there’s something I wish I had handled differently.
There were times when I was already feeling particularly heavy about the adoption process and chose not to go out.
I skipped the dinner. I stayed home instead of meeting friends for drinks.
At the time, it felt easier than risking another conversation about how things were going or why everything was taking so long.
Now I wish I’d gone.
I wish I’d simply said:
“It’s a heavy time right now, and I’d really rather not talk about the adoption process tonight.”
I think my friends would have understood.
Because some of the best moments during that time were the ones when I got to just be me.
Not the friend waiting to become a mom.
Not the friend with another adoption update.
Not the friend everyone was worried about.
Just me.
Sometimes I needed dinner, drinks, laughter and a conversation about absolutely anything else.
Walking helped too.
It became one of the easiest ways to get out of my own head. I didn’t have to talk about adoption. I didn’t have to research anything or make another decision.
I could just walk.
Looking back, I don’t wish people had stopped asking. They asked because they cared.
I just wish I’d understood sooner that I was allowed to decide when I wanted to talk about it.
Sometimes I needed to tell someone everything.
Sometimes I needed to be alone with my thoughts.
And sometimes I needed to go out with my friends and talk about anything but adoption.
I spent so much of that season waiting to become a mom that it was easy to let the waiting take over.
Sometimes the break I needed was simply getting to be myself again.
More from This Journey
If you’re walking this road, these posts may help too:
- What I Didn’t Understand About Trauma Before We Adopted
- “She’s So Lucky to Have You” — Why Adoption Isn’t About Luck
- Why Everything Becomes a Battle with My ADHD Child
If you’re navigating adoption or foster care—or trying to understand some of the things no one can fully prepare you for—you’re welcome to follow along. I share what I learned through our foster-to-adopt journey, including the things I wish I’d understood sooner.
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