Coffee Break Confession: Did Everyone Else Know About Perimenopause Already?

Big confession.

I write about my age — now 46 — all the time. I write about awkward interactions, aging, and the strange realities of midlife. So this may come as a surprise, but did everyone else know about this thing called perimenopause??

Spoiler alert: I did not.

I’m still not entirely sure what it means, but I’m fairly confident I am in it.

A few weeks ago, I was having lunch with one of my favorite girlfriends, and we somehow landed on this stage of life. We had questions. So many questions.

Does everyone experience perimenopause?
When does it end and officially become menopause?
Is there actually a difference?
Has this always existed, or did someone just name it recently and forget to tell us?

Neither of us knew the answers.

We’re the same age — though I’m technically one month younger, which I like to point out. She does not appreciate this. She also did not enjoy being referred to as “almost 40” back when we were 36, or “almost 50” now. Some things never change.

What has changed is how quickly everything seems to be blamed on age.

I went to the doctor recently to ask about some unexplained weight gain. The response?

“Welcome to your mid-forties.”

No tests. No follow-up. Just… a welcome.

Feeling tired? Are you drinking enough water?
Trouble sleeping? Try a supplement.
Feeling off? Probably inflammation.
Everything feels like it gets filed under the same explanation: this stage you’re in.

Apparently, there’s also no huge benefit to officially determining whether I’m in perimenopause, because it wouldn’t change much anyway. Which feels both reassuring and deeply unsatisfying.

I do have concerns.

Will I ever sleep through the night again, or is waking up at 3:00 a.m. with zero chance of falling back asleep my new personality? Why does protein suddenly feel like the most important food group on Earth? When did that happen?

And then there’s sugar.

My favorite food. My longest relationship.

If I cut back on sugar, my body becomes offended by sugar substitutes. But if I return to regular sugar, my body reacts like, Whoa. Absolutely not ready for that.

So that’s fun.

My body and my skin also appear to be working against me. There will be no dramatic toning or sudden loss of fluff. My skin has decided it would like to be dry, oily, wrinkly, and — just for fun — bring acne back into the mix.

Is this something we simply accept? And for how long? Do we eventually return to some version of normal? Or is this just the long middle stretch my mom refers to as “the change of life”?

Lately, my brain feels just as confused.

I forget things constantly. The other day, I went into a store to make a return and realized I had left my entire purse in the car. Not my wallet. My entire purse.

My focus is shot. I have approximately 684 ideas for projects, have started about 328 of them, and regularly finish none. The rest swirl endlessly in my head while I sit on the couch wondering why I suddenly lack all motivation.

Is this perimenopause? Menopause? Midlife? Undiagnosed ADHD? I’ve become a keyboard doctor lately, and the results are never comforting.

Mostly, I just wonder if anyone else feels surprised by this stage — like it arrived without warning, explanation, or instructions.

If you’ve ever thought, “Is it just me?” — you’re in the right place. Subscribe to get new Coffee Break Confessions and stories from the messy middle of everyday life.