Mourning the Parenting You Expected and Embracing the One You Have

Back-to-school season always stirs up big feelings for parents, but when you’re parenting a neurodivergent child, those emotions can feel magnified. The schedules, transitions, and expectations hit differently.

One thing I’ve learned – and been given permission to do – is to mourn the loss of what I once imagined parenting would look like. And just as importantly: not to compare my parenting journey with families raising neurotypical kids. That road leads only to frustration, guilt, and self-doubt.

The Parenting I Didn’t Picture

When I dreamed about parenting, I didn’t imagine…

Setting alarms for a rigid schedule every single day.
Morning battles before 7:00 a.m. that leave us both drained.
Turning ordinary requests into full-on power struggles.
Dealing with physical aggression from a 5-year-old.
Enduring judgmental stares during meltdowns in the toy aisle.

(And honestly, why is the toy section always in the very back of the store? Quick exits would be much easier if it were near the entrance!)

Missing “Typical” Moments

I also didn’t picture missing some of the “typical” family experiences – like sitting through a Sunday afternoon movie without constant acting out or enjoying spontaneous adventures without pushback and a lot of preparation. Those things can sting, and it’s okay to grieve them.

If you’ve ever felt invisible in the unseen work of motherhood, you might relate to The Invisible Job: Being a Stay-at-Home Momma.

Shifting the Focus

But alongside those challenges come gifts I never expected. Parenting a neurodivergent child has shown me:

My child’s creativity knows no bounds – balloons become doll clothes, soap turns into “potions.”
Their energy is both exhausting and inspiring (if only I could bottle it!).
They can think outside the box on nearly any task.
They perform original plays and skits with such joy it makes me forget the hard moments.

So while I do mourn some losses, I also celebrate the unique strengths my child brings into our lives. On the hardest days, remind yourself to pause and Find Your Calm Now.

Choosing to Embrace Our Story

Maybe you’re in this same space grieving the picture-perfect parenting story you once imagined, while learning to embrace the beauty of the one you actually have. It’s not easy. Some days the comparison trap sneaks in. Some days the grief feels heavier than the joy. But more and more, I’m learning that both can coexist.

Let’s Talk

If you’re parenting a neurodivergent child, how have you dealt with the changes in your parenting style?

Do you allow yourself to mourn the expectations you once had?
How do you remind yourself to celebrate the wins that make your child beautifully unique?

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

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